It’s hard to find truly funny birthday toasts. What's funny to you may not be so hilarious to others. With
my huge collection, it’s easy to find the best — since witty toasts are all I have. Now that’s
something to drink to.
Message Guy Tip #55
The perfect occasion to poke fun at friends or family is at their
birthday party. Why? Because most people find it easier to laugh at themselves
when the jibes are good-natured, not insulting.
Of course, any age is fodder for a funny toast. But you have to be careful. Birthdays are a cause for celebration, not for airing old grievances. Funny toasts should therefore be lighthearted, nothing too deep.
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But don’t be too safe with your toast choice. “Safe” is not funny. “Safe" is predictable. Don’t be predictable. There's no humor in "Blandsville." A simple joke or witty turn of phrase is enough to amuse everyone, but you want to be LOL hilarious.
How will you know you’ve chosen the right toast? Easy. You’ll know when a toast makes you laugh out loud and you think to yourself, “I would not be insulted by this toast.”
The best route is to choose one of the funny birthday toasts below, combine them or change them to bring out your sense of humor. Important: If the birthday boy or girl can’t take a joke, leave this section immediately. Just kidding. Just go lightly (you can allow yourself to be bland in this case). ◄ Read less
On your birthday, I have one wish for you: May
you die in bed at age 95, shot by the jealous husband of a 20-something wife.
To the most cleverly guarded secret in this
country: your age. Happy birthday!
May you live one hundred years with one extra
year to repent. Happy birthday!
Message Guy Pick
This toast has a certain quality I like. What is it?
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This is one of my favorite funny birthday toasts because it makes fun of the typical "hindsight, foresight, insight" toast in an edgy way (actually, in a I've-had-too-much-to-drink way). Why not? It's a toast, after all! ◄ Read less
May you have the hindsight to forget where you’ve been,
the foresight to know you don’t know where you're going,
and the insight to know when you should have never left your couch!
Cool, friendly, clever, beautiful... but enough
about me. Here's a birthday toast to you!
Now that you’re old enough to be a father, I have only one
thing to say to you: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
May you always have a clean shirt, a clear
conscience and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint...on your birthday and
I've always heard that every wrinkle has its story. You must have a 10-volume novel in you. Happy birthday!
To our favorite old hippie on her birthday: Let me assure you that this is a real celebration, and not an acid
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Enjoy
where you are now. Happy birthday!
To middle age, which Don Marquis once described
as "the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will
feel as good as ever."
In the words of Ben Jonson: To the old, long
life and treasure. To the young, all health and pleasure. To middle age, when
we begin to exchange our emotions for symptoms.
To our birthday boy who is aging
wonderfully: Nothing about you is getting too old, except a few of your jokes and stories. Maybe a little more than a few. Happy birthday!
Dad, you may be 50 years old today, but you’re the youngest 50 year old I know. You have the passion, energy, drive and, well, even the body of a 20 year old. And you still have all your hair. I don’t and I’m still in my 20s. You’re a natural wonder. And you’re my hero! Happy birthday, Dad!
Here's to the birthday boy who's discovered what
really separates the men from the boys — many, many years.
On the occasion of your birthday, I would like to toast Europe, where they believe that women get more
attractive in mid-age. Happy birthday!
May you live to be as old as your jokes. Happy