Funny Birthday Toasts

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It’s hard to find truly funny birthday toasts for everyone. That's because what's funny to you may not be so hilarious to others.

What's too funny? What's not funny enough? One thing is fur sure: the funny toast you choose below should not be offensive, insulting or abusive in any way.

When you make your toast, you should deliver what all the best birthday toasts do: the gift of laughter, the gift of joy and the gift of life itself.

With my huge collection, it’s easy to find the best birthday messages for toasting — since toasts full of laughter, joy and life are all I have...and all you should raise a glass for. 

Now that’s something to drink to.

Message Guy Tip #55
How to choose funny birthday toasts

The perfect occasion to poke fun at friends or family is at their birthday party. Why? Because most people find it easier to laugh at themselves when the jibes are good-natured, not insulting. How do you pick the right funny toast for your birthday boy or girl? Read more ►

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May you live to be so old you're wrinkled, toothless, white-haired and hunched over beyond recognition.

To one of the world's absolute best-kept secret: your honest-to-goodness age. Happy birthday!

Smile! You're never going to look this young ever again. Happy birthday.

Cool, friendly, clever, beautiful... but enough about me. Here's a birthday toast to you!

Now that you're old enough to be a father, I have only one thing to say to you: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Some people drink from a glass half empty and some drink from a glass half full. It’s your birthday, so drink as many glasses as you want.

Message Guy Pick

Funny Birthday Toasts - Birthday Messages for the Laughs
The funny toast below has a certain quality I like. What is it? Read more ►

May you have the hindsight to forget where you've been, the foresight to know you don’t know where you're going, and the insight to know when you should have never left your couch!

Funny Birthday Toasts - Funny Birthday Messages
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I've always heard that every wrinkle has a story. You must have a War and Peace-size novel written all over your face. Happy birthday!

To the oldest hippie I know: welcome to the 60s — the age, not the decade. Happy 60th birthday.

May you die on your 120th birthday in bed with your wife, who becomes so distraught that she quits her job at Hooters.

Watch your favorite celebrity birthdays

Watch your favorite celebrity birthdays

Top of Funny Birthday Toasts

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You'll find more funny birthday toasts here...

To middle age, a time in your life when the biggest obstacle to divorce is the thought of showing your birthday suit to somebody new. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday. There comes a moment of such clarity, such certainty, when you realize you are old: the moment somebody offers you their seat on a bus...and you take it. May you never go gently into that good seat.

To our birthday boy who is aging wonderfully: Nothing about you is getting too old, except a few of your jokes and stories. Maybe a little more than a few. Happy birthday!

Funny Birthday Toasts - Funny Birthday Messages
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Here's to the birthday boy who's discovered what really separates the men from the boys — many, many years.

Happy birthday. May you never get so old at heart that you find men with combovers attractive.

Happy birthday. May your idea of a hot time never be sleeping with a heating pad. Here's to heat rubs.

Want some funny toast delivery tips?
Check out what Hallmark has to say!

Want to find out how (how not) to do a great toast for the birthday boy or girl? If so, take a moment to read an article I found on It's packed with great tips and it'll only take a few minutes to read. When you're done, just come back here to pick a winner. 

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