The best funny birthday wishes can make any birthday girl or boy gladly laugh at themselves — exactly the kind of funny birthday messages you'll find here.
You don't have to be a stand-up comedian like Amy Schumer, Louis C.K., Mo'Nique, Chris Rock or Jerry Seinfeld to write or pick funny birthday greetings. You just need a decent sense of humor.
With a wide choice of funny birthday wishes on this site, it's incredibly easy to choose one that's right for the birthday girl or boy (in other words, not an offensive, insulting or abusive onslaught of bad, stupid or cruel one-liners).
Message Guy Tip #38: How to pick funny birthday wishes...
One of the best times to make people laugh at themselves is their birthday. But you don't want to go too far and offend someone. What's too far?
Well, any age is fodder for humor. Funny birthday wishes, with a simple joke or witty turn of phrase, are enough to amuse anyone. But taking this line of humor too far can backfire.
Whatever type of funny birthday wishes you pick, make sure it isn't offensive to the recipient. Laughter is a gift, not a veiled way to insult someone special. After all, this message is for somebody's birthday, someone's special day!
The best type of funny birthday wishes contain age-related subjects, such as forgetfulness, backaches, napping, deteriorating eyesight, wrinkles, even the lack of sex.
The worst funny birthday wishes have to do with the hang-ups of the birthday boy or girl. If you know what they are, stay away from them. If you aren't sure what they are, stay away from them, too! If you don't know the birthday boy or girl, stay away from funny birthday wishes altogether, because there's always a chance you'll offend them (and you won't even know it...until you get snubbed by them).
Ready to make your selection? Choose one of the messages below to tickle the funny bone of the birthday boy or girl. You can even combine them, if you think the combo would be funnier. And don't be shy. You can also change the greetings to bring out your own sense of humor in your birthday wish.
Keep in mind: You should go the serious route if the birthday boy or girl can’t take even the slightest joke.
Funny birthday wishes for everyone
Happy birthday. Don't be sad you're a year older. Keep your chin up…if you can! Well, you know what I mean.
If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday. At our age, the only way to look younger is to add at least a decade to your age.
Happy birthday. At your age, you should really try to see everything as larger than life…starting with LARGE print.
Happy birthday! At our age, I don't know why people expect us to remember their birthdays. On a good day, we're lucky if we even remember where our car keys are!
Happy birthday! Considering all the candles on your cake, I hope you remembered to top up your fire insurance.
Happy birthday! Don't count the candles on your cake or the wrinkles on your face. Just be glad that you're not down for the count.
Happy birthday! At this point in your life, you should really think of making a new start. You should really start lying about your age.
Happy birthday! You've finally reached the age of wisdom but nobody wants to listen to you.
NEW! Share this funny birthday video with any fiftysomething+!
Birthday video message
If you want a postcard with the birthday poem in this video or just the actual text, go right here.
Message Guy Pick My favorite funny birthday wishes
The funny birthday wishes below are, to me, some of the funniest messages on the site. Here's why...
These funny birthday wishes are my top picks because each one expresses something older people think to themselves when they receive a compliment, wear a beard and receive "senior" gifts.
In this way, these funny birthday wishes are universal. Any person older than 40 can relate to them...without getting offended by their implications.
Happy birthday! There's a good way to figure out if you're getting old: when you start to get brain dexterity games as birthday gifts.
Happy birthday. I guess we've reached the age when every compliment we get is typically accompanied by "for someone your age."
Happy birthday. You know you're getting older when your beard, which has always gotten the right kind of attention (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), now makes people ask you, "Would you like the senior's discount, sir?"
There are more laughs at getting older below! Find even more funny birthday wishes for everybody here...
Happy birthday. Stop counting your candles and start counting your blessings. You still have hair on your head, not in your ears and nose!
You know how most people, on your birthday, tell you, "My goodness, you never seem to age." Well, I’m not one of them. Happy birthday, old fart!
Yes, you’re getting older and wrinklier every day, but it could be worse…you could still have an acne problem! Happy birthday!
They say that with age comes wisdom. I’m not so sure…I've met a lot of really stupid old people. So far, you're not one of them. Happy birthday.
Whoever said that time waits for no man, but stands still for a woman of 30, is an idiot. No woman in her right mind would ever admit to turning 30. Happy 29th birthday!
Happy birthday. Time may heal all wounds, but it leaves you with saggy skin and crow's feet. It's still better than the alternative!
NEW! Share this funny birthday video with loved ones! Your friends and family will laugh all day long!
Subscribe and never miss my latest videos
Preview: A gaggle of giggles from my "Funny Birthday Wishes" collection
Happy birthday! Another year, another reason to curse the inventor of the first modern mirror.
Sure, getting older is like a time travel movie in slow motion...but better slow than fast, I always say! I'm in no rush to get to the end of the film. Happy birthday!
You are only young and reckless once, but you can be reckless well into your hip-breaking days. Happy birthday.
Funny birthdays wishes for moms
Happy birthday, Mom! Don't worry about getting older. You are still stunning enough for creepy middle-aged men to mistake us for sisters.
To an amazing mother who clothed me, fed me and put a roof over my head. I only have one question: can we continue where we left off Happy birthday, Mom!
Happy birthday, Mom! Thank you for giving me everything I ever needed and wanted, especially your DNA. I look marvelous!
Happy birthday from your loving kid! Sorry that you have to put up with so much babyish behavior all year-round, but Dad can't help himself.
Happy birthday, Mom! You're the greatest mother alive. You do everything great. Now can you make my bed (and maybe a sandwich)?
Happy birthday, Mom. As your favorite child, I don't really have to give you a birthday gift, but I will anyway. My presence.
Happy birthday to a mom who physically carried me for nine months before my birth and financially the rest of my life.
Happy birthday, Mom! Getting into trouble all these years would not have meant as much to me if you weren't there to point it out.
Happy birthday, Mom. I will not make fun of your age, since I sincerely feel very sorry for you.
Happy birthday, Mom. May we argue over every little detail of our lives for many decades to come.
Happy birthday, Mom! You and I have the perfect child-mother relationship. You're my mother and I'm the perfect child.
Happy birthday, Mom. May we always be blessed with many years of micro-managing each other's lives.
Happy birthday, Mom. I find it quite unnecessary to celebrate the day you came into the world, considering your mother did all the work at the time.
Happy birthday, Mom! You're beautiful, smart, funny, incredible and creative. Isn't it amazing how alike we are?
Happy birthday, Mom! Don't just count your years. Lie about them.
Mom, it's your birthday and I was thinking about an all-inclusive Caribbean holiday. Can you take care of my dog while I'm away? Thanks and have a happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Mom! It would be so much easier for me and more meaningful for you if I could wish you "Happy Birthday" on Facebook.
Wishing you a birthday filled with as much attention, praise and encouragement as I receive from you each day of the year.
Happy birthday, Mom! Today, you've reached a stage in your life when you wake up the same time you once went to bed every weekend.
Happy birthday, Mom! You should celebrate the fact that you have more candles on your birthday cake than grey hair.
Happy birthday, Mom, from your favorite child, not your practice children.
Happy birthday to a mother who is old enough to remember visiting the ladies room without a smartphone.
Happy birthday, Mom! I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you've done for me, and will continue to do for me in the years to come.
Happy birthday to a mom so fabulous that I don't need Facebook to remind me that it's your birthday!
Funny birthdays wishes for dads
Happy birthday from your only child (or so I've been told).
Happy birthday, Dad. Thank you for being there to pay for the TV that made me what I am today.
Happy birthday, Dad. The older I get, the brighter you seem to be.
Happy birthday, Dad. You must be getting younger, because I'm starting to look just like you.
Happy birthday, Dad. I promise to give you grandchildren who will, like me, live in your basement.
Happy birthday, Dad. I know you just plugged into the Internet, but you don't have to print out your emails to read them.
Happy birthday, Dad. I wouldn't trade you for anything, unless I get a better offer.
Happy birthday, Dad. I got you a t-shirt that says "Silence is Golden." Wear it when Mom asks you if she's fat.
Happy birthday, Dad. I'd like to give you what you want as a gift, but moving out is not an option.
Happy birthday to a father who has passed on the art of burping in mixed company.
Happy birthday, Dad. It makes me smile that you're my father. It makes me laugh that you have no choice in the matter.
Happy birthday, Dad. This year's gift is letting you invest in my unemployment for another 12 months.
Happy birthday to a father who makes a "fashion statement" whenever he wears socks with sandals.
Happy birthday, Dad. You really should thank me for teaching you how to spend your money.
Happy birthday from your favorite child (not the ones who disappoint you every day).
Happy birthday to a father who had to experience the unfathomable hardships of a life without Google.
Happy birthday to this planet's greatest farter (I mean, father).
Happy birthday to a father who thinks "LOL" stands for "lots of love."
Happy birthday, Dad. When I was born, everybody immediately thought I looked just like you. Bald.
Happy birthday, Dad. Like any decent father, you've taught me the basics of life: honesty, courage, accountability, responsibility and, most of all, the importance of stealth farts.
Happy birthday, Dad. When I was a kid, I used to think you were Superman. Now that I'm older, I realize that you just like to walk around in your underwear.
Happy birthday to a dad who thinks selfies of his butt are high art.
Happy birthday, Dad. Thanks for reminding me all through my childhood that taking out the garbage for you "builds character."
Happy birthday to a father who knew long before I did that money doesn't grow on trees — it grows from the deep recesses of your pockets.
Happy birthday, Dad. To me, today is the most important day of the year (after my birthday, Mom's birthday, Labor Day, Mother's Day, New Year's Day and, of course, National Hangover Day, Fruitcake Toss Day, International Skeptics Day and National Nothing Day).
Happy birthday, Dad. I can honestly say that you are definitely one of my favorite parents.
Happy birthday, Dad. I know you just discovered the smartphone, but stop signing your text messages with your name.
Happy birthday, Dad. We've done everything together for years, so I can't remember which one of us is the bad influence.
Happy birthday, Dad. I googled "World's Greatest Dad" and your name did not show up until Page 200.
Happy birthday, Dad. When I say that you should "never change," that doesn't include your underwear and socks.
Happy birthday, Dad. If you ever need a place to live, I will find the perfect nursing home for you.
Happy birthday to a father who still does not realize that cargo shorts went the way of the Macarena.
Funny birthdays wishes for friends
Happy birthday, my dear friend. If you think your age is just too hard to swallow, just add a few swigs of vodka to your celebration.
Happy birthday to an incredible friend. Don't worry about getting older. You're younger than my VCR.
Happy birthday to an amazing friend. Today, I hereby find you guilty of turning a year older! Your life sentence: another birthday next year to complain about.
Happy birthday, my best friend. Well, you're not as loaded as you expected to be by this age, so let's get a different kind of loaded tonight.
Happy birthday to a friend who is fortunate enough to have the very best friend on this planet! I'm jealous!
Abracadabra! Nope, you’re not getting any younger. Happy birthday, anyway!
Happy birthday, pal! Don't stand so close to your birthday cake — you may get a sunburn.
Happy birthday, my dear friend! Congratulations, you've now reached the age when most of us start acting and looking like our parents.
Happy birthday, my dear old friend! Maybe it's time to start counting your age in dog years.
Happy birthday to the best friend ever! Today, you made me a very happy person. I'm no longer the oldest in the room!
Many years ago today, my friend, you came into this world (around the prehistoric age, before the Internet)!
Happy birthday, pal! You may not be old but I still have to use college math to count up to your age!
Happy birthday, friend! You were born during a time known to humankind as the dark ages (before smartphones).
Today, my dearest friend, you should count your blessings, not your birthday candles! You have more blessings than time! Happy birthday, friend!
Happy birthday, BFF! Age isn't such a big issue to me! For you, yeah, I'd say so!
Happy birthday to a friend who has stuck by me through thick and thin. In my case, just thick.
Happy birthday! Now you can tell me what it’s like to be the oldest here!
My friend, there's something different about you today! I know: your old age! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday! Your very presence makes me so happy! Thanks for being older than me.
Happy birthday! When I look at you, I think of a much simpler time, like before the invention of anti-aging serum!
Happy birthday! Here's to a person who knows how to stay young. In other words, you know when to lie about your age.
Happy birthday! You haven't changed a bit in all these years. No, you've changed quite a bit.
Happy birthday! I suppose that this is the year you should start lying about your age.
Happy birthday! At your age, you really do not have to worry about temptation because it is no longer tempted by you.
Happy birthday, BFF! At your age, you will finally discover the reason the word “birthday” ends with the letter "Y".
Happy birthday! Today, you've graduated into middle age, so you will never, ever pass a bathroom again without using it!
Happy birthday, my dear, dear friend! Today, most of your friends will say you still look young. Those people are not your friends!
Happy birthday! You may be dreading the day you turn into a doppelganger of your parents. Don’t worry — that day has already come!
Happy birthday! If you want to feel young and thin again, let’s hang out with your parents and their friends at McDonald's.
Happy birthday! This is your special day – the day you start to remove your age from every social network profile.
Happy birthday. For your special day, I was going to give you a "Get Well" card. I know you're not sick, but you could always be better.
In lieu of a birthday gift, I've made a donation in your name. I bought myself a new wardrobe with your credit card. Happy birthday!
Funny birthday wishes for brothers
Happy birthday, baby brother. Sorry for all the times I made you dress up like my Barbie.
Happy birthday, bro. Sorry for convincing you that you once had a twin brother that Mom and Dad lost at the shopping mall.
Happy birthday, bro! You may be cool and have a cool life, but don't get too cool — I was there when you went through your dork period.
Happy birthday to the second favorite kid of Mom and Dad.
Happy birthday, bro! I'm smiling because you're my brother. I'm laughing because you don't have any choice.
Happy birthday, bro. I wanted to get you a present that's funny, smart and beautiful. Then, I remembered you already have that: me.
Happy birthday, big brother. Thank you for being older than me. Always.
Happy birthday to my favorite brother. My only brother.
Happy birthday, bro. Your special day is the most important day of the year for me (after my birthday, Black Friday and Cyber Monday).
Funny birthday wishes for sisters
Happy birthday, sis. Sorry for all the times I told my friends you were adopted.
Happy birthday, sis! No matter how cool you get in life, I'll always be there to remind you of your dork phase.
Happy birthday, sis. Sorry for persuading you that you once had a twin sister that Mom and Dad lost while shopping one day.
Happy birthday to Mom and Dad's second favorite kid (after me, of course)
Happy birthday, big sister. Thank you for being older than me. Now and forever.
Happy birthday, sis! A smile comes to my face every day because you're my sister...followed by uncontrollable giggling because you don't have a choice in the matter.
Happy birthday to my favorite sister. My only sister.
Happy birthday, sis. To me, your birthday is the greatest day of the year (after my birthday, Super Bowl Sunday and Friday the 13th).
Happy birthday, sis. I wanted to give you a funny, smart and beautiful gift. Then, I recalled I gave you one last year: me.